Q:I have a child who is going to kindergarten. He is very fearful and I am worried that he may have a difficult time adjusting to being there. Do you have any suggestions?
A: I would suggest that you focus first on recognizing that your child will pick up on your cues. Find a way to have some degree of confidence in his ability to adjust to new situations.
If you are nervous or worried about him adjusting, consciously or unconsciously he may pick up your feelings and mirror your own concerns. For your own needs and his, I would suggest following a few tips for getting yourself centered.
When you find yourself focusing into the future negatively, give yourself some positive affirmations, such as “everything will be okay” or “my son will do fine” or “there is nothing to be concerned with.” The reality is that every situation in which your son deals with issues that may be difficult in a positive way will help to build his self-esteem and strengthen his ego. In some ways, even if he does have difficulty, by focusing on his ability to get through the situation, you are helping him build confidence in situations in his life that may be difficult later on.
I would also encourage you to give your son lots of positive encouragement, positive words that instill in him the ability to take care of himself.
The situation you are discussing is a common one, and represents at least two scenarios, one in which a child is fearful about leaving the home, and the other where a child is confident about it. The same situation occurs later in life when we look at individuals who are stress hardy, able to handle stressful situations in a positive way, and those who get stressed during life events. I believe it all begins in how we are trained as children to deal with difficult situations.
Look inside yourself and see if there is difficulty in you in letting your son go. In some cases, the child represents a reflection of the parent’s own issues with abandonment, mistrust, lack of confidence, etc. Learning to deal with your own issues, if they exist, can greatly help your child insomuch as by you recognizing the source of your own fears, you help him develop greater confidence in his abilities.
If the child is a fearful child, or insecure, love him, nurture him, but find ways to allow him to develop inner strength. The goal is to not only help him in the process of being less fearful in situations where that may arise, but to provide a foundation of security. Through doing this, in whatever situations in life he faces, this moment of him going to kindergarten becomes the basis of your son developing inner confidence to handle whatever life becomes. It is the beginning of his own sense of inner strength.
Please know that I’m not saying don’t nurture him, and love him, but make sure to check yourself to see the degree to which your own issues contribute to his.
Robert Lawrence Friedman, MA, is a psychotherapist, coach, author and recognized leader in the field of stress management. He is the president of Stress Solutions, Inc., a corporation that has provided stress management programs to corporations and health care institutions for more than two decades. He has appeared on Discover Health Channel, CNBC, Today in New York on NBC, Fox News and others; he has been interviewed by the Washington Times and Cosmopolitan magazine, among others. He is the director of the Queens College Corporate Stress Management Training Program (www.qc.edu). He has recently created five DVDs of his stress management workshops, as well as a relaxation imagery CD which can be found at his website www.stress-solutions.com or by calling 212-229-7779.
