What’s Sex Got to Do with It?

Sex and relationships. You cannot separate the two. When you are dating to find love, real long-lasting love, what is the best approach to sex? This question comes up in my discussions with hundreds of single men and women very frequently.
My advice about sex is similar to my advice regarding other areas about relationships. I try to keep it free of rules, tricks or games (not the sex but the approach to it ). What I want you to be is informed so you can make the right decisions based on your goals and needs.
Right now I will address one particular issue that is powerful in the “sex and relationships” discussion.
When it comes to sex, men and women are different. One major difference? Hormones. Most people do not know that women, after having sex, secrete a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone is called the “bonding hormone” and is secreted when a woman gives birth. At birth, the purpose for the hormone is to ensure that a mother will bond with her baby. However, you see it also bonds women after sex. Women are biologically set up to be bonded with a potential baby daddy. Makes sense huh? However, it also has implications in relationships.
Men and women need to understand that a women bonding after sex is not just psychological but it is actually physiological and chemical. So what does this have to do with sex and relationships? A lot. When looking for a relationship (or trying to avoid one) men and women must know that engaging in sex will change things in a relationship. A man has a responsibility to a woman knowing that it is not “just sex” and a woman will not be so easily able to move on. Many a relationship has continued well past its time because of this bonding.
If you want the right relationship, then you have to keep yourself from being stuck in the wrong relationship.
What can you do about it? Here are four steps you can take to move yourself closer to the relationship that you want.
Be honest about the kind of relationship you want. Too many people are afraid to admit that they want a committed life-long relationship. I often have to push people to check that box on their online profile even though a relationship is their top priority. If you cannot admit what you want, you’re not going to get it.
Get completely clear about the kind of relationship your partner wants. You should be comfortable having this conversation with your partner. Too often people are more comfortable taking off their clothes than they are discussing their needs. Change that now!
Be sure that #1 and #2 are the same. If you want a lasting relationship then make sure you know what page your partner is on BEFORE you have sex.
Check your list of non-negotiables. Does this person have the qualities that are critical to your long-term relationship happiness? If not, then why risk bonding?
In future columns we’ll talk about other things to consider prior to starting a sexual relationship. For now, think before you act. What is your ultimate goal? Ask yourself, “Is this moving me closer to what I want or farther away?”
Contact me with your thoughts, questions and concerns. I’ll address them in future columns. Or get support immediately by contacting me about setting up your own personal one-on-one coaching session. You can reach me at Elizabeth@ejoycoaching.com or at 888-242-2638.