The real secret to romance and intimacy is friendship and connection but what can you DO to ensure that the connection is maintained from the first date through parenthood and beyond?
Research has shown that there are particular things that a couple can do to maintain the romance and intimacy in their relationship and it is actually very easy!
In relationships as in life, people express needs. The way a person expresses what they need at the moment is called a “bid.” Sometimes bids are subtle such as asking your partner, “Hey, what are you doing?”And other times bids are very clear such as telling your partner that you are feeling sad and you need a hug. The clearer your bids are, the easier it will be for those needs to be fulfilled.
Couples express bids frequently to one another and the way that one responds to these bids can either strengthen or weaken a relationship. There are three ways one can respond to a bid. You can turn toward, turn away or turn against your partner.
For example, let’s say your partner expresses a bid for connection by saying “Hi babe what are you up to?” while you are on your computer.
Turn Toward – This is the greatest way to build positive points in your relationship and the emotional bank account (yes we do keep score in relationships and you can either earn points or lose points) and THE SECRET to romance & intimacy. How do you turn toward your partner? By being positive. Listen. Respond. Ask Questions. Be Interested. Show Love. The more you turn toward your partner, the more they will turn toward you. Get criticism out of your relationship and you will see wonderful results.
Example: You may answer the above bid by looking at your partner and telling them what you are working on.
Turn Away – this has a negative effect on your relationship and causes you to lose points in the emotional bank account. Turning away is often a function of being on auto pilot and/or distracted. When we turn away we are telling our partner that their needs do not matter at that moment.
Example: You may answer the bid above by ignoring your partner’s questions.
Turn Against – This is when you respond to your partner’s bid in an angry, irritable or critical way. This too has a negative impact on your relationship and deletes points.
Example: You may answer the bid above in an angry tone and snapping saying “I’m working! Can’t you see that?!”
The clearer your bids are and the more often you can turn toward your partner, the greater your connection with one another will be. And with greater connection comes greater romance and intimacy.
Take small steps toward making this change in your relationship. This week simply try to notice when your partner makes bids and see if you can make your bids as clear as possible.
Then next week, start noticing how you respond to bids that your partner is making. Do you turn toward, away or against. Can you connect by choosing to turn toward more often?
Next make a conscious effort to turn toward your partner as often as possible. Make note of times you turn away or against and rectify it by turning toward the next time.
With these simple steps you will be on the road to greater romance and intimacy. Keep in mind that it is about SMALL THINGS OFTEN. By making small changes in your relationship and doing so consistently and frequently, you will reap the rewards of a more passionate and loving relationship.
Let me know how this is going for you by sending me an email at Elizabeth@ejoycoaching.com
