Change is tough and although making changes in our lives and relationships may be what is best, it is not easy. It is natural to resist change. But the universe does have a way of moving you towards change that is necessary and critical even if it takes you kicking and screaming.
I had such an awareness last week. I am currently eight months pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy has been great and I have been moving at the same speed I did before I got pregnant….fast! I chase my 2-year-old active boy, I’ve launched a new part of my business and I’m getting things ready for baby number two. About a month ago I had some contractions that led me to the hospital. They gave me some medication, fluids and sent me home. My doctor told me to take it easy. I didn’t. That was a tap on the shoulder.
A week or so later my back, which has never given me any trouble, started to ache and it became impossible for me to walk at any pace but slow. I had a hard time keeping up with my toddler and every move ached. Did I slow down then? Nope. That pain was the push.
Last week the universal clobber over the head arrived as I went into preterm labor and was admitted to the hospital where I still sit on bed rest for at least two weeks!
Life has the way of giving you a message you need to hear even as you try to ignore it. So the best thing to do is to heed its call early on and make changes. Small changes, often.
What taps on the shoulder, what pushes or what clobbers over the head is your relationship giving you to get you to make changes? How can you head off the clobber over the head in your relationship?
Here are five steps to heed the call and improve your relationship:
1. Find where the stress or conflict is in your relationship. Notice where you are getting anything from gentle taps on the shoulder to a strong push.
2. What is the stress about? Write down what you feel about the stress and your position in the conflict. Take the time to put yourself in your partners’ shoes and see if you can write down what you think their position is in the conflict. Don’t just make them wrong, really try to take their position for a bit.
3. Ask and Listen. Ask your partner open ended questions to help understand their position. Listen without judgment, without defensiveness. Were you right when you tried to see their point of view? What did you learn?
4. Take responsibility for your part in the stress and communicate it to your partner. Step number two prepares you to be able to have compassion for your partners’ point of view. Now is your chance to share your understanding with your partner. You will be amazed how this step can change an unhealthy dynamic and create an opportunity for connection.
5. Find the areas where you can agree and make a compromise. Compromise is bittersweet because, if done right, you will gain and lose something. Be specific with your compromise (specific timelines, actions and commitments) and write it down.
By being proactive in your relationship with the steps above you can heed the call of the gentle tap on the shoulder and avoid the consequences of the clobber over the head! Learn from my mistake – Much love, Elizabeth.
