This past week I participated at an event in Chicago and met with several people for one-on-one mini sessions. A theme definitely came up and it got me to thinking, how many of us really share what we need? Do we communicate our needs with our partners, business colleagues or bosses, friends and acquaintances?
There is an epidemic of people not having their needs met and I believe it is because there is an epidemic of people not sharing their needs or sharing them too late.
Often people act like what they need is a secret. A secret only to be revealed by the lucky person (or mind reader) that just happens to fulfill it.
Marriage is a great example because people tend to marry the person who meets their needs with little or no help from the person in “need.” This synchronicity is described by the phrases “he gets me,” “she completes me,” “we’re on the same wave length,” “I found my soul mate.”
This is a wonderful feeling and is a beautiful part of feeling connected to someone. However, if one relies on this synchronicity to feed the marriage forever, they will be disappointed. In order to have an ongoing connected and loving relationship one must master the art of sharing what one needs.
This dilemma happens a lot in dating. I have had clients who feel hurt and rejected by a date who didn’t choose a bar or restaurant in their neck of the woods or who feels disappointed when a date only wants to go for drinks and doesn’t suggest having a meal together.
Now one could simply reject a date for these behaviors and write them off as selfish or cheap but that doesn’t really get to the heart of the matter and it definitely doesn’t get your needs met. It actually ensures that they will not be met.
If you want to have your needs met, you cannot simply reject anyone who does not meet them, you must express what your needs are. After you do that with kindness and honesty, if you find that the person is unable or unwilling to meet them, then you can truthfully evaluate whether that person is right for you.
The same is true in the office. It is easy to judge an employee as incompetent or lazy when they do not provide you with the outcome that you wanted. It may be easier to blame the employee, but it will not serve you in getting your needs met.
It is important to stop in that moment and ask yourself, “Did I share what I needed clearly? Was I specific with what I needed? Did I even tell the person what I needed?” Often the answer is no. At this point you have a real opportunity to get your needs met. Not by getting angry or frustrated but by calmly and clearly expressing what you need.
This sounds so simple but most people have a hard time expressing their needs whether it is to a partner, date, employee, doctor or even a hair stylist. That is why so many people do not have their needs met!
Well, it is time to change that. The following are four steps to help you on the journey of getting what you need:
1. Get clear on what you need. Yep that is right. Very often people are not clear about what they need. You may know how you feel about not having you needs met but not as clear about what you really need to get them met. Maybe you need a hug instead of a suggestion, maybe it is a romantic evening instead of sex, and maybe it is a detailed list instead of an outline.
2. Recognize that you have the right to ask for what you need.You may feel uncomfortable asking for what you need. You may feel that you do not want to be pushy, or that you should not have to ask, you may feel embarrassed or undeserving. Well STOP!
You have the right to ask for what you need. Repeat after me “I have the right to ask for what I need!” Keep saying this to yourself until you believe it or until you have the courage to do it anyway.
3. Ask!This is usually the hardest step. It is the action step. The step that keeps most people from getting what they need. It is important when you ask for what you need that you consider the other person as well. Be kind. Be loving. Share with the person what they are doing right and what you appreciate about them and then be honest and clear with what you need and how they can satisfy this need.
4. Email me for a coaching session.Sounds simple? These steps may sound simple but may be harder to put into practice. The act of not asking for what you need can be insidious. If you feel that your needs are not being met, you can change that. You SHOULD change that.
It is not easy to do these steps on your own. Sometimes you are too close to it, sometimes you have built a wall so emotionally you are too far from it, but coaching with me will help you change that! All you need to be is willing to do the work and you can have your needs met.
If you are interested in seeing if coaching is for you, contact me at 888-242-2638 or at Elizabeth@ejoycoaching.com and we can set up an appointment in person or over the phone. Mention this article and get $20 off your first appointment.
