By Alex Berger
It is now the beginning of summer. 'Tis the season for relaxing, thinking cool and laughing. As a refreshing breeze to you sweaty, uncomfortable readers, this week's column offers a collection of light, mirthful and frothy looks at life. Laugh loud, live easy and be jolly.
A businessman was suffering from insomnia. He went to a doctor who suggested, “Try telling each part of your body to go to sleep.” That night, as he lay with his eyes open, he remembered the doctor’s orders and began following them. “Toes go to sleep…. Feet go to sleep…. Legs go to sleep…. Thighs go to sleep….” He was up to his arms when his wife walked in wearing a sheer nightie. The husband sat up and hollered, “Wake up, everybody!”
A man visited a ranch to buy a horse. He pointed and said, “I’d like that one.” The rancher told him that the horse was previously owned by a preacher. “If you want the horse to move, you say, ‘Good Lord.’ If you want the horse to stop, you say, ‘Amen.’ ” “Let me try riding,” said the buyer. He mounted and yelled, “Good Lord.” The steed began galloping up a mountain. The excited rider kept yelling, “Good Lord!” and the horse ran faster. Suddenly, he was coming to the edge of a cliff and, panic-stricken, he yelled, “Whoa!” That did not work. Then he remembered the rancher’s instructions and said, “Amen.” The horse stopped. Wiping his brow, the man said, “Good Lord.”
The young female oyster had just returned from her first date and was telling several of her oyster girlfriends about it. As she was recounting how striking her oyster date was and how soulfully he looked into her eyes, she suddenly clutched her throat and screamed, “My God, my pearls!”
An optimist and a pessimist were in an automobile accident. They were lying in the street waiting for the ambulance. “I feel as if all my bones are broken,” groaned the pessimist. The optimist retorted, “Think how lucky that you are not a herring.”
An elderly couple appeared before a judge in divorce court. The judge asked the woman, “How old are you?” “Eighty-six,” she replied. “And you, sir?” “Ninety-two,” answered the husband. The judge said, “How long have you been married?” “Sixty-six years,” said the woman. “And now you want a divorce?” the judge exclaimed. The wife looked at him and said, “Look, Judge, enough is enough.”
A traveling salesman was passing through a small country town when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair. The old man looked so content that the salesman could not resist talking to him. “You look as if you don’t have a care in the world,” he told him. “What is your formula for a long and happy life?” “Well,” the old man replied, “I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I carouse every night.” “My goodness,” exclaimed the salesman, “that’s great. How old are you?” “Twenty-five.”
Having lost all his money in a casino, a man walks out and decides to end his life. As he nears the water’s edge, he sees a quarter in the sand. A voice says, “Go back to the casino.” In the casino, he inserts the quarter into a slot machine. He wins $100. The voice tells him, “Go to the blackjack table.” There he amasses $500. The voice moves him on to the roulette and dice tables. He wins $40,000 and is about to pocket the winnings when the voice says, “Let it ride.” Dutifully, he rolls the dice again and loses it all. The voice then says, “Go back to the ocean.”
A young, newly married couple moved into the parents of the bride’s home and are put into the bedroom near the parents’. The walls are paper-thin. The youngsters, on their first wedding anniversary, felt frisky and went to bed early. Soon, the parents also retired, but were unable to sleep because of the noise in the other bedroom. The sounds stirred up amorous feelings in the mother, who suggested to the father that they make love. He accepted. An hour went by and once again noise emanated from the next bedroom. “Would a second helping be out of order?” the mother asked. The father obliged. Sounds were again heard an hour later. The father then fell back in a dead faint. The mother banged on the wall and yelled, “Stop celebrating. You’re killing your father!”
Readers, live life with joy, gusto and a plentiful dose of humor. Cheers.
Contact Alex Berger at news@timesledger.com.
