By Alex Berger
Hot weather and insects are soulmates. A wife walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Kill any?" she asked. "Yes, three males and two females." Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" He answered, "Three were on a beer can and two on the phone."
Ah, yes, summer is right around the corner. Many people consider this season a blessing, others a nuisance. School will be out and children must be kept busy physically, academically and socially, so parents can juggle their schedules to accommodate them. "Oh, if only school were year-long," they moan. "But summer is also a time for fun and frolic," say children.
"Yes," I also say. "When else can one don the skimpiest of clothing, barbecue a hamburger and get a sun burn all at the same time?"
Everyone will soon be going to the beach for the same reason: hoping to see a body in worse shape than their own. That is why I like going to the beach: It makes everyone else so happy. I particularly enjoy reviewing the parade of girls slinking around in their bikinis. I even saw a woman wearing a six-piece bikini — no, it wasn't Rosie O'Donnell.
I like to imagine that I am kicking sand in the faces of the hunks lying around flexing their muscles. Guys, have you no shame? I do, however, wish I had their abs. So to avoid being made fun of, I once frolicked on a nude beach where I thought everyone was equal. Do not believe it.
Nonetheless, I love the beach. There is nothing like running on the sand, jumping into the water and letting the waves brush over you. So why do it? I am not much of a swimmer — I only know one stroke. If I go over my head, I get one! I once owned a 10,000-gallon swimming pool. I got rid of it when I emptied it and I took out 11,000 gallons!
Yes, it is going to be another hot summer in Queens. The other day, I passed a mausoleum at a local cemetery and the window was open. Britney Spears has been lifting her dress for other reasons. Paris Hilton was having sex to cool off and Barbara Walters was complaining, "Humidity is just another plot against women. It makes things droop years before they are supposed to…."
Robert De Niro bought a quart of ice cream and carried it home in his shorts. U.S. Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) began wearing a bikini. The Statue of Liberty was seen fanning herself. Former Gov. Elliot Spitzer closeted himself in his steam room to cool off. Mayor Mike Bloomberg bought a steak in the supermarket, and by the time he got home, it was well-done.
Two trees were chasing a dog. Chickens began laying hard-boiled eggs. Lindsay Lohan's sex drive was in park. Patrick Dempsey has begun taking cold showers. Ladies, I recommend that you not slave over a hot stove in this weather. Do it the easy way: Rush home and toss a couple of frozen dinners on the sidewalk.
On the fervid days to come, I want to go out in the backyard and take off all my clothes, but the birds would leave, my cat would run away and the property value would drop.
I know one thing that conquers hot weather: air conditioning. My health club just installed a giant-sized unit in the steam room. New buildings without windows provide air conditioning all year 'round. Now you don't have to wait for the winter to catch a cold. And women on Park Avenue wear mink panties.
In my days of yore, on sizzling, sultry days of summer, I would keep cool by reliving those frigid days I spent watching football in Giants Stadium in December.
Last year, I finally gave in to Gloria's demands and bought an air conditioner for every room in the house. They helped keep me cool, but only until I received the electric bill. My first bill was $118,000. Luckily, it was a mistake, but the utility company said to pay it anyway because they would take it off next month's bill.
Now for some really chilling news: Astronomers predict that in 15 billion years, give or take a few billion, the sun will explode into a red giant star and destroy our solar system. This will be followed by an asteroid that will crash into Earth.
I suggest you prepare now for these two eventualities. Go to the beach, barbecue, relax and enjoy the sun while you still have the chance.
