By Alex Berger
Resolve never to take a memory course from a man who has his pants on backward.
Today is Dec. 3l and the newest New Year’s Eve will soon be entering stage-right. At this moment of truth, I must ask whether you have already made out your new year’s resolutions. If you have not, perhaps this age-old maxim may help rekindle your get-up-and-go: “The more you know, the more you know, you know. No?” Recite these words three times because each one rings out, in absolute purity, and should start your rekindling process.
Resolve to live through one day at a time and not set far-reaching goals to overcome all problems at once.
First, you must turn your attention toward your outward navel — this applies to deprived, inward navel people, too — and think how you can improve the way you live your life. But as you embark on this annual ritual of introspection, ask yourself: Will your new year’s resolutions do any good?
Resolve to be honest. If you do not know something, say, “I don’t know.”
Second, are you sure about that special someone in your life? No, not your dog. Analyze the pluses and minuses of the relationship. If minuses outweigh the pluses, resolve to drop that special like a hot potato and spend more time with your dog. That is, until New Year’s 2011, when you prepare a new set of resolutions. Things may turn around and, perhaps, you would rather spend more time with that special than your dog.
Resolve to work to eliminate gossip from your life.
Try to be in a happy frame of mind when making resolutions. Many studies indicate that when people are depressed, their resolutions will be depressed also and you would not want to spend 2010 following depressed resolutions.
Resolve to think about the words you use and replace words that hurt with words that encourage, engage and enrich.
Focusing on unhappy experiences you experienced in 2009 will not make you feel better, so do not dwell on them. Filing your income tax returns, visiting the dentist and watching Barbara Walters on “The View” are a few things to avoid.
Resolve never to become discouraged when you are unable to choose words perfectly because helping to make the world a better place is hard work.
If you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, act like the person you want to be: Joe Biden, Sarah Palin or me.
Resolve to adjust yourself to “what is” is. Face reality. Try to change only those things that you can change and accept those things you cannot change.
You would consider yourself kind and considerate if you did a favor for another person. I once escorted an elderly lady across the street and regretted it. How did I know she did not want to go?
Resolve to improve your mind. Force yourself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. In other words, read my columns.
As the new year approaches, reach out. For whom and for what, I dunno. I leave that up to you.
Resolve to do a good deed for somebody without letting him or her know it.
Finally, remember to look back, look ahead and check your eyeglass prescription. Perfect eyesight is key to looking at hindsight when making out one’s resolutions. And take out the garbage, the dog and your wife.
Resolve to think about the words you use with your friends, enemies and TV set.
My resolution is to resolve to wish you enough happiness to keep you sweet, enough trials to keep you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to keep you happy, enough failure to keep you humble, enough wealth to meet your needs, enough enthusiasm to look forward, enough faith to banish depression and enough determination to make each day better than yesterday.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. — Anne Frank
In conclusion, let’s toast in the new year together: Champagne wishes and caviar dreams to one and all for a happy and prosperous New Year. And may all your troubles last as long as my last year’s new year’s resolutions.
Oh! I see you still haven’t begun working on your resolutions. As your “New Year’s Eve-virtuoso and resolution-connoisseur maven, I urge you to sit right down and prepare them at once, immediately, post-haste, now! My picture above this column will be keeping a watchful eye on you until you do.
At the end of the year, I must tell all my readers how much I love and appreciate them. Thanks, guys, for reading my columns. Don’t stop. Love ya.
Contact Alex Berger at timesledgernews@cnglocal.com.
