could my child be a BULLY?

No parent ever wants to consider the possibility that their son or daughter could be one of the mean popular kids at school, those who shun and dismiss anyone who’s different. I call them Elite Tormentors, and the caring, compassionate popular students who stand up for the underdog, Elite Leaders.
I understand firsthand the damage these Elite Tormentors can cause because from fifth grade through high school, I was at their mercy for the same reason so many kids are today—simply for being different.
Thirty years later, I still bear the scars. That’s why I travel the nation’s schools, working deep inside the trenches with students, teachers and parents, sharing my story in an effort to inspire change, and show the world that bullying is not just joking around; it damages you for life.
If you suspect your son or daughter may be an Elite Tormentor, don’t make yourself sick thinking you must have done something wrong. This isn’t about you. It’s about your teenager’s desperate need to fit in. Their behavior is a misguided survival mechanism. But, make no mistake, you must take a position.
What are some of the warning signs? To recognize them, you may have to commit the one dreaded parental sin second only to embarrassing your child in front of their friends. You may have to invade their privacy! Please don’t think I’m trying to make light of the right to privacy, but when that privilege allows a child to hide acts of cruelty against a classmate, it should be taken away until they earn it back. When your child is on the phone, pay attention to her tone and demeanor. Keep an eye on her when she’s on the Internet. When she instant messages her friends, is she bad-mouthing others? What blogs does she frequent and what are some of the things she and her friends are posting? Does she participate in nasty email-a-thons with other students? The more you know, the more you can protect everyone.
Another effective technique for outing an Elite Tormentor: casually have a conversation with your child about who’s popular at school and who’s not, coaxing her into revealing the names of those students who struggle to fit in or who strike her as lonely.
A week later, ask her if she’d like to host a party, suggesting it might be nice if, along with her friends, she invited a couple of the forgotten ones, too. If she agrees despite what her friends may think, she’s not an Elite Tormentor. In fact, she’s probably an Elite Leader. But if she recoils at the thought or acts indignant, perhaps even laughs, chances are you’re living with an Elite Tormentor.
If your suspicions are confirmed, here are a few suggestions:

Most Elite Tormentors don’t even realize they’re being hurtful. In their minds, it’s all just joking around. You need to teach your child that bullying just isn’t the mean things you do, it’s all the nice things you never do.

Try a compassionate form of discipline that will help your child reconnect with the kind person within rather than the insensitive teen they’ve become. For example, in lieu of grounding your son, require him to perform one act of kindness for a different person every day for two weeks. Each night before he goes to bed, he must record in a journal the kind act he did that day, the recipient’s response, and how the response made him feel. Make sure he obtains signatures and phone numbers from the recipients so you can verify his compliance. If he’s remiss, then use a traditional form of punishment like grounding him as a consequence.

Remember that there’s no such thing as a bad child, only bad situations that need correcting. With love and patience, your family will get through this.

Jodee Blanco is an anti-bullying expert and activist and the author of The New York Times bestselling memoir Please Stop Laughing At Me, and the award-winning sequel Please Stop Laughing at Us . . . One Survivor’s Extraordinary Quest To Prevent School Bullying (BenBella Books, $14.95). For information, visit jodeeblanco.com.