By Alex Berger
An elderly gentleman was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. He was impressed by the way his host preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms — “honey, my love, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin,” etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.
When the wife was in the kitchen, the guest said to his friend, “I think it is wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”
The old man hung his head, “I have to tell the truth,” he said. “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
I have good news for all you romantics out there. June will soon be busting out all over. The month has many highlights, including American Rivers Month, Adopt-a-Cat Month and the Taiwanese Dragon Boat Festival.
Also, Feed the Hungry Day (5); D-Day (6); National Juggling Day (16); Flag Day (14); Father’s Day (15); and My Birthday (18). Gloria thinks I should live to be 100, with an extra year to repent.
Other holidays include Juneteenth Day, the African-American celebration of freedom and unity (19); Midsummer Day, the start of summer (21); Beaver Day (21); Brazil’s Lovers’ Day, “Festa Junina” (21); Nude Hiking Day (21); Pledge of Allegiance Day (22); GI Bill of Rights Day (22); the start of the Korean War Day (22); and the day I lost my first baby tooth (30).
The Romans certainly knew what they were talking about when they declared June the perfect month for love and marriage. They named the sixth month “Juno” in honor of the Roman goddess of marriage.
Do you June brides and grooms know that falling in love is good for your health? Doctors claim love causes a chemical change in the brain that can lower blood pressure, boost heart rate, ward off depression and make you fit as a fiddle. But who wants to be a fiddle on their honeymoon?
Physical and emotional arousal that love brings improves posture (for proposing on one knee), brightens skin tone (for powdering the nose) and causes couples to hum the aria from Romeo and Juliet every morning before breakfast.
Love causes the release of the neuro-chemical phenylethylamine, which affects the mood like an amphetamine.
Gloria tells me that marriage, as an institution, is a great health benefactor. But who wants to live in an institution?
Throughout our marriage, Gloria and I promised never to go to bed mad. We stay up until the situation is solved. Last Halloween, we didn’t sleep until March!
I once discussed marriage with my neighbor, Gerard, who passed on some wise maxims: “The cooing stops with the honeymoon, but the billing goes on forever; an ideal marriage would be to marry a rich girl who is too proud to let her husband work; and anyone who claims marriage is a 50-50 proposition just doesn’t know the first thing about women or fractions.”
Gerard also said that he loved his wife, Beryl, very much, but every time they got into an argument, she became historical. “You mean hysterical,” I corrected him.
“No, historical. She keeps bringing up the past.”
When I first met Gloria, the schoolteacher, I would write her passionate love letters. She sent them all back corrected. I must be the only man in the world who returned from his honeymoon and received a report card. It said, “Alex is neat and friendly and shows a keen interest in fun and games.”
But at least I can say that I could best Gloria in every disagreement. The trouble is, when I raise my hand she never calls on me.
Following a difference of opinion, Gloria and I decided to visit a marriage counselor. As we left the office, Gloria said, “Now that we are on speaking terms, shut up!”
Three months later, dewy-eyed Gloria approached and purred sweetly, “Darling, soon there will be a third sharing our little home.”
“Sweetheart,” I cried, “are you sure?”
“Positive. I had a letter from my mother this morning saying that she would be here next Saturday!”
Men and women certainly are different.
Walking along the Bayside Marina one day was a man, deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded, and in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you are faithful to me, I will grant you one wish.”
The man answered, “Build me a bridge to Europe so I can drive over any time I want.”
The Lord replied, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something else that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought and finally said, “Lord, I wish I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels, what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing is wrong’ and how can I make a woman truly happy?”
After a lengthy silence, the Lord replied, “Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Finally, a wedding toast to newlyweds: “Never above you. Never below you. Always beside you.”
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 140.
