By Alex Berger
Two housewives living in adjacent homes were having a feud. Penelope claimed Britney never returned the soup pot she lent her for her New Year’s Eve dinner. Britney’s reply was a gem of logic. “In the first place, I never took a pot from you. In the second place, it was an old pot. And in the third place, I gave it back to you in better condition than when I took it from you.”
Ah, yes, the holiday spirit of love and kindness seems to disappear when cold and gloomy January appears.
It is a known fact that January is one month of which not too many people are fond. Why? Because it is the month people suddenly realize they have become a year older, they had not attained the lofty goals they set for themselves in 2003, and, of course, they do not want Ol’ Man Winter frigidly breathing down their necks.
Some folks will escape cold January by running to Florida. Others will remain homebound like me. I will stay and stand up to the cold and snow of January. I invented a fail-safe method of keeping warm during the frostiest of days. At the first sign of nippy weather, I will simply cuddle up at home and watch replays of the 1991 Giants Super Bowl victory. That always warms the cockles of my heart, kidneys and liver.
I expect the weird happenings of January to continue: Italian pizzerias will change to winter-weight olive oil, Prestone six-packs will outsell beer six-packs, and I will welcome a little heartburn for relief from the cold weather.
And that’s not all. Gloria will chip me out of my waterbed after I am rudely awakened by two feet of ice in my bed — both of them belonging to Gloria. And when I arise in the morning, Gloria will serve me breakfast — strawberry jam ice on a slice of ice washed down by a chunk of coffee.
One day last year, it got so cold whenever Gloria spoke that her words froze in midair. I had to thaw them out at the fireplace to hear what she was saying — “Take out the garbage!” I had further problems. When I dressed for work, I discovered that I had a frozen zipper! At work, the sports editor gave me a hotfoot and I kissed him.
But January isn’t all ice and snow. It is replete with the birthdays of many famous people (no, Rosie O’Donnell’s is not one of them). A few that come to mind follow.
Jan. 1 is the birthdate of Paul Revere (1735) and Betsy Ross (1752). Do you think they were fraternal twins? Jan. 4, 1809 is the birthday of Louis Braille, who invented a system whereby the blind could read by touching raised dots.
Also born in January is Jacob Grimm (1785), the German collector of fairy tales — I think it would have been more kid-friendly if he were named Smiley instead; and Joan of Arc (1412), saint and French heroine, who at 17 led the French army to victory. (She should have been around when Germany invaded France in 1940.)
Jan. 6, 1935 is Elvis Presley’s birthday. Did you know that I am the chairperson of the Committee for All and Every Elvis Sighting? So if any of you ever see Elvis roaming around Queens, please give me a call. Jan. 9, 1913 is the birthday of Richard Nixon, the 37th president of the United States who, for want of an eraser button on his tape recorder, lost his kingdom.
And born on Jan. 12, 1876 is Jack London, the American author who wrote “Call of the Wild.” If he were alive today, what wonderful material he would have for a “Call of the Wild – Part II” — Osama bin Laden, Michael Jackson, my financial advisor and many other headline-makers who raise our eyebrows.
Born on Jan. 14, 1875 is Albert Schweitzer, German doctor and missionary who missed his chance of making former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein a “mensch”; Jan. 15, 1929 — Martin Luther King, American minister and civil rights leader whose assassination changed America forever; and Jan. 17, 1706 — Benjamin Franklin. Did you know that Andy Rooney was born on the same day and year as this American statesman and inventor?
On Jan. 18, 1881, A. A. Milne, the author of “Winnie the Pooh,” whose character is still going strong after so many years, was born. Also born in this month is Muhammad Ali (1942), the former heavyweight boxing champion who is considered the greatest heavyweight of all; however, I still think Joe Louis was greater, but who am I to judge when I once thought the Brooklyn Dodgers’ Duke Snider was a better ballplayer than Willie Mays?
Jan. 18, 1807 is the birthday of Robert E. Lee, the Confederate army commander during the Civil War whose beard is almost as famous as Abraham Lincoln’s; and Robert Burns (1759), the Scottish poet who reportedly was quite a ladies man. He was the Casanova and Brad Pitt of his day, or should I say night? When did he ever find time to write his poetry?
Jan. 24, 1870 is the birthday of William G. Morgan, who invented volleyball; Jan. 26, 1880 — Douglas MacArthur, the American general who defeated Japan in World War II. And born on the same day was Lewis Carroll (1832), the English author who wrote “Alice in Wonderland.” Jan. 27, 1756 is the birthday of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, the renowned Austrian musical genius who composed more than 600 pieces of music.
Jan. 29, 1908 is Melitta Bentz’s birthday. Bentz invented the coffee filter; Jan. 30, 1882 — Franklin D. Roosevelt, the 32nd president of the United States who led the country through the Great Depression and World War II; and Jan. 31, 1918 — Jackie Robinson, the first black player in modern Major League baseball. Oh, how I loved to watch him steal home.
I almost forgot. On Jan. 23, 1971, the temperature in Barrow, Alaska, dipped to 80 degrees below zero. Brrr!
So as January begins its annual 31-day visit, don’t forget to keep warm by wearing more wool than a sheep. I suggest you insulate your body with wool, wool and more wool, including socks, sweater, hat, earmuffs, overcoat, bra and jockey shorts. This will prevent you from getting chilblains. It wouldn’t hurt if you also filled your stomach with a bowl of piping hot oatmeal and chunks of decaf coffee.
You won’t do it? It will make you look fat? OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you when your body turns a beautiful azure blue and Arctic circles begin appearing under your eyes.
In any event, you can enjoy January if you remember to wear a warm smile. Cheers!
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 140.
