By Alex Berger
(Readers, your long wait for my presidential platform is over. As promised, I will now reveal it to the world. It will be divulged to the only organization that had the courage to invite me to speak — my family, at its annual gathering held in brother Jack’s house in Flushing.)
“My countrymen … I mean, countrywomen … no, no, country persons — fellow Americans:
“I stand before you at this monumental and unique juncture in American history to ask for your support in electing me the 44th president of these Yoo-nited States. Don’t laugh at this dream. People who don’t dream are losers, and when was the last time a guy from Queens ran for president?
“I have contemplated, pondered and devoted long hours in hammering out a wonderful plan for our country’s future. It is the right one for you and the right one for me. And, my dearest relatives, kindly do not interrupt my presentation by hooting, hollering or applauding until I have finished. And lock the door so no one, except little Aaron, can escape.
“I am standing before you to unequivocally state that the state of Alex Berger’s state of mind is sound. There is no need to worry about any other state of my physical state. No politician, with the possible exception of Arnold Schwarzenegger, is as fit, statewise, as I am. With that out of the way, I will now state my position on as many political positions as can fit in this column.
“The budget deficit: One federal agency asked for $18 billion, another for $22 billion. No wonder the Office of the Budget says it is being nickled-and-dimed to death. I figured a sure way to balance the budget — tilt the country.
“Congress: Congress is where a congressman gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other members disagree with him for three hours. Balderdash! I believe that the American people demand that I, as president, alone and by myself, make all the political decisions to run the country. Former presidents have gotten into deep trouble by listening to Congress.
“Supreme Court: I would pack it with a majority of my devotees, such as Gloria, my two sons, my former kindergarten teacher, my next-door neighbor and my barber. Then watch our country move forward.
“Fraternizing with the United Nations: I will not unless and until the United Nations moves its Manhattan headquarters to Siberia. The members will not be able to talk so much if their teeth are chattering.
“War on terror: I would forthwith and herewith move to ban all horror films, books and, especially, frightening amusement rides. I was once near collapse after riding Disney’s ‘The Tower of Terror.’
“Homeland defense: I will make certain to stay out of Gloria’s way in the White House kitchen while she is cooking, baking or doing most other things.
“Illegal immigration: For every illegal immigrant living in this country, I will sneak two Americans (illegally) into the immigrant’s country of origin. With so many Americans populating their country, you will see how quickly illegal entry into this country will stop.
“Further exploration of Mars: I love Mars bars and would agree to build additional candy factories on the Red Planet if they do not color the candy red.
“Health care and Medicare: I would give everyone the same health plan and benefits our politicos receive.
“Women running for president: In my view, I think a woman will have difficulty running for president. Not a one will ever reach the legally required age; however, this is the kind of problem with which I would enjoy wrestling.
“Strict separation of church and state: I would not allow a school or any governmental building to be constructed within a 10-block radius of a place of worship.
“English as our official language: I would decree that all non-English-speaking immigrants who do not want to learn English learn instead an American Indian language such as the tongues of the Cherokee or Sioux nations. Given the choice, they would rush to the simpler language, English.
“Crime: All convicted persons will be required to sit in a corner of the jail for one hour every day reciting, ‘I am a bad person and I won’t do what I did ever again.’ For repeat offenders, a mandatory viewing of the entire Martha Stewart cooking series continuously from dawn to dusk will be imposed.
“Death penalty: I find there will be no need to execute anyone in the traditional sense. Instead, all murderers and rapists must eat an abundance of Jewish matzo ball soup at every meal. That should decrease the prison population in no time at all.
“Taxes: I shall propose elimination of all taxes. Instead, large ‘pishkas,’ or tin collection boxes, will be placed in conspicuous places where all Americans can voluntarily drop their spare coins. Those who do not will be compelled to write: ‘’Tis far better to give than to receive’ on every April 15 (Income Tax Day) for life.
“Unemployment: I will cut unemployment by 50 percent by requiring all unemployed people to change places with the clerks at the unemployment office every week and vice versa throughout the year. Everyone will have a job and 26 weeks of vacation each year. That should make everyone happy.
“Environment: I don’t know why environmentalists are so hard on cars. Horses weren’t that great on emission control, either.
“Camp David: If I were having a rough time, I would not retreat to Camp David. I would run for cover in the Oval Bunker.
“Gay marriages: I am for them. No marriage should ever be sad.”
There you have it. After listening to my platform, all those for me, yell “yes.” Well then, all those who are still thinking about it, say “maybe.”
All right, all those who are against me, whisper “no.” Aaaah! I guess I have to go back and rewrite my platform. And to think, rejected by my own flesh and blood.
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 140.
