By Stanley P. Gershbein
Many of us have stopped smoking and started eating healthier. We exercise a bit more than before and practice safe sex. Our reward for this change in our lifestyle is a longer life. The average man lives slightly more than seventy-seven years, the average woman makes to eighty and there are more centenarians now than ever before. I’ll save you a trip to your Webster’s Dictionary. It’s not ‘centurion’, a common error. That has something to do with the Roman Army. Just in case you aren’t sure, a ‘centenarian’ is one who has reached his one-hundredth birthday. I know many people, including relatives, who made it to the high nineties but until now I didn’t know anyone personally who made it to the one hundred year old mark. On Sunday, February 12th,at 2:PM, our dear friend Rose Tateo , will be celebrating birthday number one hundred. Rose is a resident of the Margaret Teitz Nursing Home, located at 164-11 Chapin Parkway, Jamaica, Queens. When one gets up there in those numbers it is reasonable to assume that you’ve outlived all of your friends. I’m sure that she would be thrilled if she received a few birthday cards from you. Dear Rose – Carol and I congratulate you on reaching this magnificent milestone and wish you a very Happy Birthday. ******** We’ve just been to two stores and can’t find a 100th Birthday Card. I think I’ll just send Rose two fifties or a sixty and a forty. She still has a sense of humor and will probably get a kick out of it. ******** So many of you loony-liberal-dummocrats are filled with such a vast detestation for my president that you are willing to sacrifice the safety and security of your families to satisfy your hatred. You’re against the Patriot Act. You’re anti-spying. If and when Clinton was involved it was OK. But Bush? You whine and cry like the world is coming to an end….and if you don’t stop that may well be. I am more concerned about an airplane flying into a tall building on American soil than I am about any government agency knowing what library books I read. I am more afraid of a fuel truck exploding in the Lincoln Tunnel than I am of the F.B.I. peeking at my E-Mails. I worry more about some slime-bucket, sicko terrorist blowing up the Brooklyn Bridge than I am of the N.S.A. eavesdropping on my personal telephone calls. And speaking of the Brooklyn Bridge, the following comes to you directly from the January 9th issue of Time Magazine, a publication not known for its love of President Bush. This is a confirmed case where our government used no-warrant wiretaps to nab al-quada activist Iyman Faris. The bearded, scruffy Faris is currently serving a twenty-year prison term. One of the several charges that he ADMITTED to was the casing as a possible target to blow up…..yes! You guessed it. Our Brooklyn Bridge. There’s no guesswork here. He ADMITTED it. And how do you think he was apprehended? You don’t think he walked into the sixty-ninth precinct with his hands in the air asking to be put away. Do you? He was caught…yes caught…..in one of those wiretaps that you lefties are so worried about. I said it before and I’ll say it again. During these trying times, any CEO of this great nation that does not kick in a few doors and bend a few laws to protect my family does not deserve to be a resident of the White House. The Brooklyn Bridge is still standing. Thank You, President Bush, and God Bless You. ******** While my dictionary is still open I’m looking up the word ‘anachronism’. One of the several definitions is a person or thing that is chronologically out of order. Recently my roommate and I were on the Long Island Expressway when our eyes caught the sight of a motorist on our right driving a very shiny, very old black Model T. This is a vehicle that one sees at antique auto shows. The man behind the wheel was busy yakking away on his cell phone. OK, gang. Would you call this an anachronism? ******** David Letterman made a fool of himself when he said that dumb comment about the Bill O’Reilly Show being 60% crap and then admitting he never watches the show. That is comparable to me writing a review of a movie that I have not yet seen. ******** Last year, for Valentine’s Day, 2005, he bought her one or more of the following: a greeting card, flowers, candy, jewelry, a teddy bear, a pajama gram, a red baby-doll nightie along with all his love. Last year, Valentine’s Day, 2005, she bought him one or more of the following: a greeting card, a pair of boxer shorts with hearts on them, a wallet, a belt, a cheap money clip, and a red baby-doll nightie for her to wear as a gift for him, and, of course, all of her love. The average amount he spent on her, not counting dinner out with the overpriced bottle of wine, was $145. The average amount she spent on him was $38. There is absolutely no price tag one could put on the amount of love they could have for each other. I am StanGershbein@BellSouth.net on my way home to unwrap my annual pair of boxer shorts. This is number… number… I really don’t know the exact number. What I do know is that they come in a larger size every year. Happy Valentine’s Day to all.
