FAMILY MATTERS

When therapy threatens a relationship
BY SYDELL S. SLOAN, M.A.
We all know that men and women think differently and have different values. Thanks to John Grey’s “Venus and Mars” books, information regarding the cultural and genetic differences between the sexes has been made readily available.
For men, who are the hunters and providers, the world consists of sets of problems that can be solved when addressed rationally and acted upon in a timely fashion. They are motivated toward “fixing,” things, situations, or feelings. A man will tell his wife not to worry, that he will “take care of it.”
For women, the world is made up of feelings and they want to know why they feel as they do, what those feelings mean and above all, they want to talk about their feelings. In addition, they want to know what their partners are feeling and thinking. The woman asks, “Why do you say that?” or “Why do you feel that way?”
A woman in therapy further polarizes the male-female roles. When a woman comes home from therapy, where she has been talking about her feelings to someone who listens, and asks her partner, “How do you feel about us?” or “Let’s talk about us!” her partner usually withdraws in discomfort. He is not comfortable talking about his feelings and he generally does not know what those feelings are. He feels she is parroting her therapist when he hears, “You really are a needy person,” or “I’ve been an enabler throughout our relationship.”
An even more serious situation occurs when a man in therapy, who has never shared his feelings with his partner, is able to open up and share his innermost thoughts and feelings with his therapist. His partner feels shut out and resentful. Of course, he is able to do this because with his therapist, he is in a judgment free, non-critical environment. If he shared the same feelings with his partner, she would be likely to challenge them, criticize them, or contradict them.
In each case, the person not in therapy, grows to resent the therapist who seems to be a third party in their lives, one who has a greater influence on his or her partner’s thoughts, actions, and attitudes than he or she does. Further complications arise, when the person in therapy expresses his or her own thoughts as if they were coming from the therapist’s mouth, saying “So and So says,” when he or she is really stating his or her own thoughts. The person in therapy uses this device as a manipulation to give greater weight and credibility to his or her own ideas.
When a client of mine, male or female, talks about his or her partner’s antipathy or outright hostility to the therapy because he or she feels threatened by it and feels excluded from the process, I usually suggest inviting the partner to join some of the sessions. With me present, the one in therapy can no longer attribute his or her words to me. When the partner has an opportunity to hear things at first hand, the entire process becomes demystified and both parties can benefit.
— Sydell S. Sloan, a family therapist, marriage counselor, and divorce mediator has a private practice in Bayside and Manhattan.