By Alex Berger
When I was 3, my father was very concerned about my future, so he decided to give me a test. Pop placed me in a room with only a Bible, an apple and two dollar bills. If I turned the pages of the Bible, a religious life would be indicated. I would become a teacher if I ate the apple, and a financial career would be suggested if I played with the money. My father left me to mull it over. When he returned, he saw me sitting on the Bible and chewing on the apple with the two dollar bills sticking out of my pocket. Pop smiled widely. His little Alex would definitely become a politician.(I yearn to be president. Where else can I address Congress for five minutes, not say a meaningful thing and the congressmen and women will spend three hours of discussion disagreeing with me?)To fulfill the vision of my father, I am running for the presidency and I pledge that I am in this race to win. Gloria convinced me not to reveal my choices for cabinet positions until after Feb. 5, Primary Day, so I will know who my opposition probably will be. So, readers, you will have to wait for that revelation. In the meantime, I will cite my positions on many important items of the day. I hope the other candidates don't read this newspaper. (With so many candidates in the presidential race, Osama Bin Laden could mix among them and never be found.)ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION – For every illegal immigrant (uh, undocumented alien), I will sneak two Americans into their country of origin. With so many Americans in their native lands, no foreigner would want to leave their “Little Americas.”ENGLISH AS OUR OFFICIAL LANGUAGE – I would designate that all non-English speaking immigrants who do not want to learn English must instead learn an American Indian language such as the tongues of the Cherokee or Sioux languages. (The race includes a woman, an African American, a Mormon and Protestants and Catholics. So why not include a Jew also?)AFFIRMATIVE ACTION – I would affirm that everyone is entitled to everything. Chinese restaurants must hire Scottish cooks, the Jewish Museum must exhibit the artwork of all ethnic groups, and sports teams must not be discriminatory in choosing players. Wouldn't a Hasidic rabbi, an anti-war feminist, a reformed terrorist and my brother-in-law Bruce look good wearing Jets green? SOCIAL SECURITY AND MEDICARE – Didn't the elderly build this country, fight for this country and begat you? No cuts in both programs.(What do the following candidates have in common? Hillary, Rudy, Barack, Mitt, John, Fred and Alex: nothing!)GAY MARRIAGES – Should marriages be sad instead? ABORTION – I would require all fecund women who do not want children to wear grungy-looking clothing, coif their hair into back-of-the-head buns and undergo plastic surgery on their faces so they all look like Yogi Berra. They needn't worry about having children any longer.(Fidel Castro doesn't want Rudy to be president. Ann Coulter doesn't want Hillary to be president. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn't want Alex to be president.)CRIME – I will mandate that all convicted persons be compelled to sit in a corner of the jail for one hour reciting “I am a naughty person” and then required to read my columns for two hours. That cruel punishment is a crime-stopper. DEATH PENALTY – There is no need to execute anyone. Instead, all murders and rapists must eat Jewish matzoh-ball soup five times a day. That would decrease the prison population in no time at all.(Politics usually consists of two sides and a fence. With me, it would be two sides and a moat.) TAXES – No taxes on anything except anchovies. Those little buggers give me a bellyache.UNEMPLOYMENT – I will cut unemployment by 50 percent simply by requiring all unemployed persons to change places with the working folks every week. Then on alternate weeks, change places again. Everyone will have a job with 26 weeks of vacation.(During the campaign, I will wear a blank campaign button. I can't afford to ignore the illiterate vote.)MINIMUM WAGE – I would impose a minimum annual wage requirement for all workers and a maximum annual wage for all executives and CEOs. If the minimum salary doesn't rise one year, then the maximum won't either.Don't you agree that my all-encompassing platform appeals to all? So on Primary Day, remember me. You could do worse. For me or against me, please vote! As the Association of Retired Teachers aptly put it: “Moan, groan, bellyache, criticize, condemn, curse, fuss, complain, whimper, grumble, refuse, object, neglect, protest, withdraw, whine, ignore, suffer or VOTE!” Those choices are yours.
