By Alex Berger
The nurse ran to the doctor and said, “The patient that just left here, the one you said was in perfect health, just dropped dead outside our office door. What shall I do?” The doctor said, “Turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in.”
The cold season is here and people with symptoms are wondering: Do I stay home or go to work? There are those who say business as usual — nothing short of multiple intravenous drips will keep them from reporting for duty. Others will open their eyes, see the darkness of a cold winter’s morning, and wonder, “My throat is scratchy. Maybe I’ll stay home.”
“Presentee−ism” is almost as much a problem as absenteeism. One estimate puts 75 percent of us on the job while battling a cold or other health problem. While such a work ethic is admirable, it can also be counterproductive if the illness spreads to co−workers. So how do you determine whether to pack those tissues and tea bags and head to the office or roll over and go back to sleep?
While acknowledging the power of chicken soup — aka Jewish penicillin — to make colds more bearable, there are no antibiotics to combat colds. And over−the−counter products might do more harm than good. Even medicine touted as a “non−sedating antihistamine” can cause side effects.
So what to do?
On the one hand, a cold can impinge on your powers of concentration, not to mention the effect on office morale, as those around you duck for cover every time you blow your nose or cough. For the sake of harmony at the workplace, this might be one of those times to call in sick.
What to do? Do not fret — your doctor of humor is here to prescribe guidelines to follow if you suffer from any one of these symptoms.
l. Sniffles with no aches or fever: Probably allergies, so feel free to muddle through.
2. Sniffles with fever, aches and fatigue: Could be either a cold or the flu. Get facial tissues and toilet paper with lotion on them. You may be miserable, but at least you are moisturized. Stay home, where you will recover more quickly, and stem the spread of germs to your coworkers.
3. Fever plus white patches on your tonsils: Examine your tonsils by inserting a 4 inch−by−4 inch mirror into your mouth. Aim it toward your tonsils. Point that mirror directly at a second mirror. Examine. If you see the white cliffs of Dover, this condition could be strep throat, which is highly contagious. Consult a physician.
4. Coughing: If it is a tickle in the throat or it feels like postnasal drip, it is probably allergies or a cold. Unless you have other cold symptoms, such as aches and fever, go to work. If the cough feels deep, makes you short of breath and brings up green mucous, however, see a doctor.
5. Pinkeye: Your eyes are bright red with a creamy substance in the corners. This condition is highly contagious. Do not kiss your spouse, but see a doctor.
6. Stomach ailments: The rule of thumb is if you can hold down food, you can go to work. A stomach virus — nausea, vomiting, watery diarrhea, aches and low−grade fever — can lay you low and stuff up your toilet for several days. Drink lots of fluids, especially water. Stay at home. Should you suffer from any of the above symptoms, I must stress, do not invite me over for dinner.
While I am on the subject of health, we assume that doctors try a little harder to dot their i’s and cross their t’s. But did you ever wonder what they write down in their little book after examining a patient?
Below are some of the actual notes doctors wrote on patient charts at major hospitals:
“The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.” “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.” “The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.” “Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.” “Patients skin was moist and dry.”
“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.” “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.” “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.” “Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.” “She is numb from her toes down.” “Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.” “The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”
I hope none were your doctors.
Contact Alex Berger at news@timesledger.com.
