By Alex Berger
Adam had no mother−in−law. That was why he knew he lived in paradise.
Mother’s Day arrives May 10. This year, I will digress and not write a column about our “regular” mothers. Instead, the time has come for me to commemorate “irregular” mothers: our mothers−in−law.
A cannibal ate his mother−in−law and she still disagreed with him.
Aren’t you tired of all the irresponsible and unbridled jokes that knock mothers−in−law, especially when you never hear jokes about fathers−in−law? In fairness, I will devote this column to honor the much−abused, −maligned and −vilified group of individuals since time began: the infamous “spouse−mothers.”
The most terrible thing about a divorce is that somewhere two mothers are nodding their heads and saying, “See? I told you so.”
In show business, celebrities “roast” other celebrities as an expression of love. In the interest of mankind, I sought to determine whether this “reverse humor” applies to MILs, too. I took to the road and interviewed married residents living in TimesLedger country. The respondents’ full names are omitted to protect the innocent:
F. from Flushing: I want you to know I have the greatest MIL in the world, and I’d say that even if she weren’t looking over my shoulder.
W. of Corona: I spend many glorious and tender moments with her and I came to accept the realization that she’s someone who’ll never be outspoken.
A. from Astoria: I know that behind every successful man stands an amazed MIL.
C. of Floral Park: I refer to mine as the bark of my family tree. I’m fortunate she’s so well−informed. She can intellectually complain about any subject.
L. from Little Neck: I tell my wife I like her MIL better than mine.
S. of Douglaston: As with most married men, I have another woman in my life. Unfortunately, it’s my MIL.
B. from Howard Beach: Many marriage counselors believe that every so often, husbands should do something to make their MILs happy, such as taking them to dinner, sending them flowers and divorcing their daughters. But, truthfully, I get along with her well. I even nominated her for the Congressional Meddle of Honor.
K. of Fresh Meadows: I don’t complain that she visits us twice a year. But does she have to stay six months each time?
G. from Glen Oaks: Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m trying hard to be a success to please my wife or spite my MIL.
J. of Jackson Heights: You think you have a problem? My MIL has a twin sister.
W. from Whitestone: I told my mom that my husband’s very good to me. He gives me everything I ask for. She, in her wisdom, answered, “That shows you aren’t asking enough.”
Q. of Jamaica: My MIL prefers to have the last word. I just never knew when that was going to be.
P. from Woodside: I have the best MIL in the world. She’s loving, kind and understanding. It’s her daughter I can’t stand.
Z. of Forest Hills: I was looking for the ultimate Mother’s Day gift to give my MIL and I found one: sending her to the Thousand Islands with a one−month stay on each island. She was overwhelmed by my generosity, but declined the offer. She didn’t want to give me the pleasure of taking her to the airport.
T. from Queens Village: I’m kind to my MIL. Baby−sitters are very expensive.
R. of Ridgewood: My MIL will live with us forever, but I don’t mind. It’s her home.
S. from Laurelton: I’ve come to the conclusion that Eskimo women make the best wives. They’ll care for, pamper and worry about you and their mothers live in Alaska.
G. of Long Island City: They named a flower after my MIL: the snapdragon.
C. from Bayside: Ben’s Deli in Bayside has a new sandwich called “The Mother−in−Law”: cold shoulder and hot tongue.
Thank you, respondents, for participating in my survey. It is apparent that disparaging MIL jokes are still in vogue.
But MILs, do not fret if your son−in−law despises you, your daughter−in−law resents you and both want to ship you to North Korea. Just accept the fact that most people generally get along best with their own mothers. According to a study at a major university, however, as time goes by, they will most likely learn to get along with you.
Recently, a man went well beyond the call of duty for his MIL. He traveled all the way from Italy to donate 60 percent of his liver to her to save her life. No greater love hath any son−in−law, except, perhaps, for me. My MIL gave me Gloria.
Contact Alex Berger at news@timesledger.com.
