Here’s some new holidays for skipping alternate-side

By Lenore Skenazy

There are now 34 holidays on which New York City suspends its street-cleaning parking rules, including Ash Wednesday, Asian New Year, Eid al-Adha and Diwali. That’s quite the holiday buffet.

Which is not to mention Martin Luther King Day, Abraham Lincoln’s Birthday, Washington’s Birthday and Veterans Day.

There are a bunch of standard-issue holidays, too, like Labor Day and Thanksgiving, and a bunch of Jewish holidays beyond those. Since I’m Jewish, I can confide in you: Many of us don’t even know what these holidays are. Shemini Atzereth? I’ve got to ask Rabbi Google. (Then again, what percentage of Christians are familiar with the Solemnity of the Ascension, which was just a few days ago? That solemn day was cause for auto-owner awe as alternate side of the street parking requirements miraculously disappeared!)

Since this list seems to be growing faster than the Monday morning line for MetroCards, I couldn’t help but add a few more suggestions for holiday parking consideration:

Thigh-Knees New Year: A holiday celebrated the first sunny day of spring, when New Yorkers suddenly realize their knees and even thighs will soon be visible in shorts. Day is devoted to squats.

Howard Stern’s Birthday: Jan 12. Any car parked at a meter may remain there for 24 hours, but any person walking by the meter must dance around it, one leg up, and lean backwards.

Lumpy Rug Day: Actual holiday—look it up! It is May 3. The website Holiday Insights reports: “Lumpy Rug Day is intended to appreciate a good rug. A rug should be smooth, even, and definitely not lumpy. Many of us stretch out on a rug to watch TV, play games, and even catch 40 winks. If the rug is lumpy, you’ll know it. There are a number of ways to enjoy Lumpy Rug Day:

“If you have a lumpy rug, toss it out and get a nice, lump-less rug.

“If you once had a lumpy rug, take a minute to remember the soft, comfortable feel of the new rug when it arrived.

“If you never had a lumpy rug, count your blessings. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

I’m counting! But since that exciting day won’t come around for almost another year, let’s move on to:

Sick Passenger Monday: The first Monday after Labor Day, when everyone has slept a little late and is rushing to get to school or work on time, shall be dedicated to the mysterious Sick Passenger who is always on the train ahead of us. Not that car drivers care. But they get the free parking day anyway. Just like the rich get richer.

Pranksgiving: A day we give thanks for practical jokes. Note: Although this will appear as a holiday on city-issued alternate side of the street suspension calendars, it really isn’t and you will be towed.

Kwanzadanukkah: A day that falls on Hanukkah and Kwanza, when everyone is so busy lighting candles that they can’t get to their cars.

Happy Halaladays: Day dedicated to the Halal carts around the city, which have made lamb over rice as New York as a Sabrett’s dog. Celebrated the Thursday after Thanksgiving, when people are willing to start thinking about food again.

Too Heavy Purse Tuesday: A day we pause to reflect on the fact we are carrying around way too much junk, including candy bars, letters we keep forgetting to mail, receipts in cuneiform, and two dozen pens (one leaking). Why do we celebrate this by suspending parking regulations? How else would you propose we celebrate? What says “Too heavy purse” to you? Do you even have a purse? If you did, you’d know.

All Saints Weekend: Expansion of popular day.

Mayor’s Wild Card: A day chosen by the mayor on which all parking tickets are torn up as soon as they are issued. Wildly popular. Often celebrated after the indictment of a crony, dis by a sitting governor, or disconcerting New York Post cover.

Trump Day: Nov. 8. You wouldn’t cast your vote for someone just because they’re promising to give you an extra day of parking freedom, would you? Would you?

Lenore Skenazy is a public speaker and author and founder of the book, blog, and Twitter feed, Free-Range Kids.

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