By Lenore Skenzay
Sick of being warned about anything and everything when it comes to the holiday season, especially all the warnings about dangerous toys?
Me, too. That’s why I’m ready to throw a lawn dart at a group called “World Against Toys Causing Harm”— W.A.T.C.H. Every year since 1973 it has published a hyperventilating “10 Most Dangerous toys” list at Christmastime.
Now maybe back in ’73, toy makers were still grinding out toy ovens that could smelt ore and chemistry sets that could actually blow things (that is, people) up. But in the 40-plus years since W.A.T.C.H. was started—by a trial lawyer who wouldn’t exactly suffer if he drummed up clients eager to sue toy makers for negligence—the regulations on toys and other kiddie products have multiplied to the point where if there’s lead in the ink in the logo that’s printed on the instep of a child’s boot, the item is recalled. Because what if a kid somehow hacked the boot into pieces, peeled out the instep and ate it?
And speaking of shoes, another run of children’s footwear was recalled because “the metal rivets surrounding the holes where the shoestring is secured on the shoes can have sharp edges, posing a laceration hazard.” So wrote the Consumer Product Safety Commission.
What threat level are we talking about? “The firm has received one report of an adult who scratched or cut his finger,” the commission wrote. “No medical attention was required.”
A miracle!
But it is just this zero tolerance for “risk” that W.A.T.C.H. exploits every Christmas. Among its Top 10 dangers this year is a large, plush elephant. What danger could a stuffed animal with no sharp edges, lead paint, or exploding parts possibly present?
Duh! “Potential for suffocation! Not to be used unsupervised.”
Also on this year’s list is a kind of wearable beach ball called Bump ’n Bounce Body Bumpers. You put the bumper around your waist like an inner-tube and then proceed to bump into your friends. The manufacturers’ own warning label, already quaking at the thought of personal injury lawsuits, clearly states, “To avoid risk of serious injury or death… protective equipment (for head, elbows, knees, hands, etc) should be worn (not included).”
But somehow, even a warning about death was not enough. The company was shamed because its box shows kids using the toy without any head, elbow or knee guards whatsoever. Goodbye, St. Nicholas, hello St. Pete!
If they only worked a little harder, I’ll bet lawyers could stop kids from ever moving their fragile little bodies again. But so far, W.A.T.C.H. has shied away from the biggest kahuna of them all, the toy that must be stopped. So I did it for them. I ran a contest online: Come up with a warning label for a ball!
Here’s what folks came up with (some using their whole names, some not).
• Caution! Sharp edges. —Neil S.
• Warning: This is a toy and not to be used as an actual ball. —Matthew Trescher
• Warning: Ball carries germs. Wash after each use. —Alanna
But wait! There’s more!
• Do not insert into urethra.
• For decorative purposes only. —Christina
• Not to be used as a flotation device. —Adam Kampia
• Do not operate without protective goggles. —Shelly Stow
• Device does not provide a stable support. Do not attempt to sit or stand upon the ball. —Scott
• Toy may change direction unpredictably when impacting an object. —Jim C.
• Chasing this object could cause fatigue. —John B.
• For educational purposes only. Not to be taken internally. Do not play “ball” while driving. —Bob Magee
• For recreational purposes only. Do not use as a metaphor for having a great time. Do not use as a metaphor for masculinity or courage. Do not confuse with a formal dance. —Kenny Felder
• Not to be used to exclude other children. —Backroads
• To avoid risk of serious injury or death, always wear groin protection. Do not roll or throw ball near a street, drain, sewer or body of water without adult supervision. Do not throw ball while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If you have high blood pressure or diabetes, consult your doctor before attempting to throw ball. —Rick
• Warning, if you bounce this too high it might break through the ceiling causing the house to cave in on you. —Alaina, age 12
• To be used on padded surfaces only. Use of a helmet is recommended. If any hole or tear develops discard immediately. —Jessica
• Not to be used by children under 13. —Sally
• Do not throw. —Jack D.
• Warning: Balls may be bigger than brains. —Lolli‑poplover
And finally, from my editor:
• Playing with ball could attract dogs
• Mothers: Warn children against playing with ball in house
• Warning: For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction
• If use of this item results in a broken window, drop everything and run.
Lenore Skenazy is a keynote speaker, author of the book and blog Free-Range Kids, and a contributor at Reaso
