For firefighter Joe Castelli, September 11, 2001 will always be simplified to seven souls.
Castelli, a first responder on that fateful day one decade ago, admits that the significance of September 11 is too extensive for him to truly fathom. In order to cope, the 48-year-old father of two and 20 year FDNY veteran is forced to focus on the seven firefighters and friends from Brooklyn’s Engine 219, Ladder 105 that he lost on that day.
“My first day, my mouth dropped,” said Castelli, who arrived at ground zero at 8 a.m. on September 12. “I looked around in amazement, because I couldn’t believe so much destruction could happen in an hour. Everything seemed to be reduced to the size of a baseball. But as I went back each day, it became second nature. It was like going to work, and that was the mentality you had to have. The only thing I could focus on was trying to recover our missing guys. I heard stories about hundreds of firefighters who were missing, but it was so overwhelming that I could only concentrate on our company.”
Castelli spent the next six months working four days per week at ground zero, searching for his peers and mentors. It was not until the mayor officially called off the search that he allowed himself to leave the site. Despite his relentlessness, Castelli admits that any hope of finding his friends was drained from him almost instantaneously.
“Ladder 105’s rig was right by the Marriott Hotel,” he said. “Once the first building came down, they were gone. The truck got decimated, and no one was ever found. I hate to say it, but once I saw the destruction and tons of rubble, I knew right away it was hopeless. But that wasn’t going to stop us from digging. We owed it to the families. I wanted to find something, like a helmet, to bring back to the wives. One of the wives was hoping we would find her husband’s wedding ring.”
Although Castelli is now stationed at Engine 320, Ladder 167, located at 36-18 Francis Lewis Boulevard in Flushing, each September 11, he visits his former firehouse for a day of remembrance with the families of the perished heroes. He has yet to return to Ground Zero.
Castelli currently suffers from no physical ailments associated with his time at the World Trade Center, but he remains haunted by the loss of life he endured.
“I kept the emotions out at first,” said Castelli, who lives on Long Island with his wife. “It didn’t hit me until a year later. Most of the guys from my firehouse had defense mechanisms, so we could stay strong, try and dig the guys out and take care of their families. A year later I started having dreams about the guys we lost. I would wake up with heart palpitations and sweating, and then I’d realize they were gone. I’ll always remember 9/11 as the loss of those seven guys, the widows and children they left behind, the fiancées they left behind and the knowledge they left behind. There’s no way that hole will ever be filled.”
