I remember on one cold and snowy morning, I had to trudge through inclement weather to get to the local supermarket for some ice-melter. I needed it for my automobile…
By Alex Berger
Valentine’s Day is a nice holiday because it is the first day of the rest of my wife.
I remember on one cold and snowy morning, I had to trudge through inclement weather to get to the local supermarket for some ice-melter. I needed it for my automobile encased in snow.
I noticed an old man in his 80s, with a walker, barely able to maneuver through the snow. We both entered the store at the same time. He was chattering from the cold. What was so important to compel this elderly gentleman to walk to the supermarket on such a treacherous day?
As I was perusing the store, the loudspeaker announced that the store’s computer system had crashed and a calculator was being used to manually total customers’ purchases. Because of this problem, the checkout line had become extremely long. Many customers left the store in frustration. I, however, remained on the line because I needed the ice-melter.
I noticed the old man standing in front of me, tightly clutching his one purchase. When he finally reached the cashier, he placed his lone item on the counter. It was a small Valentine’s Day card that read, “I am happy that you are my wife.”
Then there was this sentimental Valentine’s Day card which brought tears to my eyes.
It read, and I quote, “Dear Sheldon, Be my Valentine. Words cannot express how much I regret breaking off our engagement. Will you please come back to me? Your absence leaves a void no one else can fill. Please forgive me and let us start all over again. I need you so very much. Yours forever, Britney. P.S. Congratulations on your winning the lottery.”
Ah, yes, Valentine’s Day is the day of love. As most of us know, it is the perfect time to tell that perfect someone that you care. But, would you believe, this holiday is the anniversary of the death of St. Valentine, who was a martyr of the early Christian Church?
So why, pray tell, was this morbid date chosen for us sweethearts to exchange messages of love and sentiment? This is not a quiz so I will tell you: I don’t know. And neither does anyone else, for it is not known for certain how it originated, but there are many theories and you are welcome to choose the one that best tickles your fancy.
One involves good ol’ St. Valentine, a humble physician and a Christian bishop. Although he healed patients with herbs, powders and prayers, he was always in great danger because of the Romans’ attitude toward the Christians.
He remained steadfast to the Christian faith despite the brutal religious persecution of Emperor Claudius. For this, he was cast into the emperor’s prison and subsequently beheaded. (I guess this is why people “lose their heads” when they fall in love.) While in prison, he is said to have cured the jailer’s daughter of blindness, hence the expression, “love is blind.”
Valentine also loved children. His young friends missed him very much and they threw messages to him through the jail-cell window. By this act, the children expressed their love for him. These messages were probably the first Valentine sentiments ever sent to a loved one.
Valentine’s martyrdom is supposed to have taken place on Feb. 14, about the year 270 (three years after Strom Thurmond was first elected U.S. senator). The anniversary of St. Valentine’s death is now observed as a day for the exchange of love messages and tokens of affection.
It is also the day for citizens to throw love messages through the jail-cell window of their elected officials, who swear they unlawfully did what they did so elected officials from the other party wouldn’t have the opportunity to do it first.
The actual origin of St. Valentine’s Day still remains a mystery because there is nothing in the life of the saint to which any such observance can be traced. Another more plausible explanation has arisen.
Count Johnnie Brutus Cochran II, the famed barrister of Julius Caesar, knew that birds begin to mate on this day. Over his objections, he saw that people were following suit. He did his best to suppress this growing embarrassment by distributing volumes of research material, spelled out in 868,618 pages, that “love was for the birds.” But to no avail. St. Valentine’s Day was here to stay.
As for me, I keep forgetting Valentine’s Day. Gloria put me on notice that if I forget one more time, Valentine’s Day will be Moving Day. She even posted her own Valentine’s Day card on my shaving mirror. It read, “Valentine’s Day is made for love — that’s dandy. But you can forget all the kisses if you forget the flowers and candy.”
Last year, I asked her what she liked best about me, my great body or my rugged good looks. She eyed me head to foot and answered, “Your sense of humor.”
What is love? I know it makes the world go ‘round and conquers all things except poverty and a toothache, but I wanted a more scientific explanation of what love is. So, I researched and located a study by a group of young professionals to answer that very question. Read their surprising, deep and profound answers.
“Love is when my grandmother with arthritis can’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her even when his hands got arthritis, too.” -Rebecca, age 8; “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” -Karl, age 5;
“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.” -Chrissy, age 5; “Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my Daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him to make sure the taste is OK.” -Danny, age 7; “Love is when you tell a boy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” -Noelle, age 7;
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” -Tommy, age 6; “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” -Elaine, age 5; “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Sponge Bob Square Pants.” -Keri, age 4;
“Love is when your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” -Karen, age 7; “Love is when I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.” -Bethany, age 4; and, finally, “I know what love is when Gloria smiles at me the same way she smiles at a traffic cop.” -Alex Berger, age 21-plus.
Let me conclude, dear readers, by saying to every one of you: “Ich liebe dich” (German), “Se Agapo” (Greek), “Ich liebdier” (Yiddish), “Tu amore” (Italian), “Je t’aime” (French), “Te amo” (Spanish), “Ik houn van joun” (Dutch) and “Seni sevi yorum” (Turkish), which all mean, “I Love You.” Happy Valentine’s Day. Amor!
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at aberger3@nyc.rr.com or call 1-718-229-0300. Ext. 140.
