For Brenda Parham eight is not enough.
The St. Albans woman has eight children – six biological and two adopted, from 2 to 21.
But, over the past 10 years, she and her husband Alexander have taken in a total of 14 foster children, of all ages, genders and ethnic backgrounds.
Far from just her altruism and big heart, Parham knows first-hand what it’s like to be a foster child.
“I know what they need, what they feel, what they’re going through,” she said.
Parham was just seven years old when she entered the New York City foster care system. She remembers clearly the fear and insecurity evoked when she was placed in a new foster home with unfamiliar surroundings.
She also recalls, however, one foster mother, Marion Smallwood, who took her in to her Brooklyn home when she was nine. Smallwood treated her as a daughter, showing her she had a bright future despite the trying experiences of her brief past.
Parham had been living with her for four years when a sudden heart attack took Smallwood’s life, leaving the 13-year-old devastated – and back in foster care.
At age 21, she “aged out” of the foster care system and got her own apartment. She made education a priority and went on to complete her nursing degree.
After getting married in 1987, Parham and her husband Alexander decided to have children.
After multiple pregnancy complications, resulting in a miscarriage, stillbirth and two pregnancies that ended in the second trimester, the couple was overjoyed when they welcomed their first child into the world.
At that point, Parham recalled her relationship with Smallwood – how it shaped her life – and decided that she wanted to give that same experience to other children.
“They’ve been through enough hurt and disappointment in life,” she said.
Then, the full-time mom began working with Little Flower Children and Family Services of New York. After passing the training courses and home inspections, her first foster child walked through her doors of her home – and into her heart.
“I let them know I’m here to help, that they can always talk to me, no matter what” she said.
For all the love Parham gives, she still believes that, if possible, a child should return to his or her birth family.
“I sit them [the children] down and talk to them [about their biological families],” said Parham. “They say, ‘Mommy I love you but you’re not my real mother.’ They go through so much, sometimes they get depressed.”
So Parham often encourages parents to attend classes and has even invited some of them to attend church services with her.
Over the years, she has used her own experiences in the foster care system to relate to each child who comes through her doors. She provides a stable environment, putting a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs.
“I love being there for them,” she said. “I feel this is what God planned for me.”
Yet the most important thing Parham gives the children is hope for a better tomorrow.
“Sometimes,” she said, “you go through things in life, and you wonder, ‘Why me.’ I tell my children, ‘I had to go through what I went through to be here for you.’”
Her biggest joy, she said, is seeing the children reunited with their families – and seeing how well they are doing.
“Sometimes I want to cry,” said Parham. “I get such joy.”
Ever effervescent, she said that her work is far from done.
“I want more children. I want to adopt more kids and help reunite families.”
If you are interested in becoming a foster parent, call Little Flower Children and Family Services of New York’s Homefinding Department at 1-800-323-0316 or visit www.littleflowerny.org.
