The start of November means holiday gatherings are just weeks away and while many of us look forward to watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade with family and gathering around the table for dinner, for some, the time of year can create a lot of anxiety around dealing with complicated family dynamics or simply wanting to enjoy a slice of pumpkin pie in peace without dodging questions about when you’re finally going to have kids.
Whether you just need a little help setting boundaries or completely dread the day altogether, Dr. Jessica Koblenz, a licensed clinical psychologist in Astoria, shared some tips on mindset and setting boundaries for holiday get-togethers with family
She and her group practice, Cornerstone Psychological Services, treat children, teens, couples, and individuals, specializing in trauma, relationship issues and loss, offering both in-person and remote sessions.
As the weeks wind down to the start of the holiday season, beginning with Thanksgiving, our anxiety in anticipation of the family get together can spiral, creating worst-case scenarios and making things feel worse than they will be. It’s important first and foremost to catch these thoughts before they spiral by redirecting our thoughts to focusing on what is, as well as the bigger picture in the grand scheme of it all.
“It’s important to remind yourself that you’ve been with these people before and you’ve been doing this your whole life,” said Dr. Koblenz. “Anything that you’re worried about someone saying, or anything that you’re worried about coming up, is our brain recycling what’s already happened in the past. I think sometimes we can take solace in the ways in which our anxiety is remarkably uncreative. People are who they are and I think being focused on why are you’re going and even taking a zoomed out perspective of, years from now, when most of these people have passed away who are at the table, would you have regretted going? Are you glad you went? These give bigger picture ideas of the value of family.”
While keeping a grounded perspective going into holiday gatherings helps a lot, it’s also important to have a backup plan whether political conversations come up that you’d rather avoid or if you just need a break from all of the interaction throughout the day to stay grounded.
“I think recognizing that you can have an exit strategy, or a person that you can text to check in with, excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, and giving yourself a few minutes to just remind yourself that you’re not trapped in it,” said Koblenz. “There are a lot of conversations about boundaries that I’ll have with clients. Some, more often now, are choosing not to stay over with family, they might choose to get their own hotel room, or if they are staying, maybe they come in their own car so they feel like they’re more portable, or they’ll specifically plan to see a friend, something that kind of breaks up the time in a different way, and all of those are good coping mechanisms.”
For individuals who are coming over with a partner or spouse, it can be a good idea to discuss a plan in advance to deal with certain family dynamics that are tricky or choose a time afterward to recap the day if needed.
“If you are on your own, you might want to connect with friends more and have a point person who’s checking in with you,” said Koblenz. “If you have a partner, when you bring them, you can communicate ahead of time, like, ‘Hey, I get really triggered around my family, here are ways that you can help me; I do want you to intervene if my uncle says something crazy or, I don’t want you to intervene,’ so that you’re on the same page, or, ‘I don’t want you to intervene, but afterwards, I would love for us to debrief, and I just want to know that I have that.’”
For others the holidays might feel lonely for those who are recently divorced, are living in another city away from their family, or are estranged from their family. It can be tough not to compare what it appears others might have in their life that we’re missing, and bring up sadness or grief about what we wish we had.
“I think recognizing the loneliness that comes with families is very real, and that’s a feeling that everyone is impacted by,” said Koblenz. “There’s a feeling that we see something on the Hallmark channel and if whatever we’re experiencing isn’t that, we feel crushed and disappointed and social media only exacerbates this issue. There’s this concept of ambiguous loss that we don’t really talk about where there are people who might be in our lives but not in our lives for whatever reason, whether they’re incarcerated or live in a different country. I think recognizing anyone can feel that loneliness and asking, what do I need to really take care of myself? I have some clients who travel by themselves, others choose to spend time with their chosen family, like friends, or maybe intentionally planning something to look forward to after the holidays, either with friends or even just a self care routine.”
And while coping mechanisms and gratitude are great ideas for the holidays and beyond, sometimes simply recognizing what you’re feeling on your own time, whether it’s a relationship with a family member you wish could be better, or ones you wish you had, help to bring healing and peace of mind beyond sitting at the dinner table for Thanksgiving dinner.
“I think you honor the grief of what you wish your family was and ways in which your needs are not being met, in terms of social or emotional needs,” said Dr. Koblenz. “We don’t have to escape from it, and we don’t need to have a quick bit coping skill; it’s just a real feeling, and it’s okay to feel that and it’s hard to reconcile with. You don’t want to keep going to the hardware store expecting oranges; you want to adjust your expectations. People are rich in different ways-some families are financially helpful and emotionally absent, some are emotionally rich but not financially, and some families are rich with time and they’ll watch your kids and do things like really spend time together. Trying to see the value of, what is the way in which my social needs are rich? Maybe it’s not in any of those, but looking for the ways in which we have gratitude, because gratitude is a really amazing antidote for depression and anxiety, and it’s a problem in our society where we’re constantly comparing ourselves to people who are perceived as better in some way, but we don’t compare ourselves to people who are struggling, so if you’re going to do the comparison game, you have to do it in both extents.”
Cornerstone Psychological Services is located at 38-01 23rd Ave. in Astoria. To learn more about their practice or book an appointment, go to their website.
