By Alex Berger
“Help! Mom is having a bad day. Come over now! – A 911 call from grandchild to grandmother.
“Could we phone Grandma, Mommy? I like having her in my ear.”
Yes, dear readers, I guess you can guess, Grandparents Day is coming. It arrives on Sept. 9 (the first Sunday after Labor Day). It is a day when America gives grandparents the recognition they deserve. However, a few fusspots ask — why the fuss? Well, let us analyze that pointed question scientifically from the grandchildren’s point of view.
A little boy was asked what was so great about his grandparents. “They stop my mother from killing me,” he smartly replied. A little girl watched her grandfather remove his false teeth several times. Finally, she said, “Gramps, now take off your nose.”
Strong arguments by grandchildren for Grandparents Day.
“Big deal,” many grandparents say. “By the time we can afford to go out evenings, we have to baby-sit.” A few others are puzzled. How could their sons-in-law, who certainly weren’t good enough to marry their daughters, miraculously become the fathers of the cutest and smartest grandchildren this side of Oueens Boulevard?
I am a grandfather myself, but I must admit that many of my fellow grandparents won’t talk to me. Is it because they will not accept the undeniable truth that my four grandchildren are simply the grandest? Whenever I am pressed on the issue, I present them with the overwhelming research data prepared by a totally unbiased and objective source — the esteemed early children educator, Gloria.
However, I am still shaken at the thought that I, Alex, am a grandfather. With a pat on the paw-paws of four babies, I was magically converted four times from a common, every-day father to an “Abuelo” (Spanish), “Zayde” (Jewish), “Grand Pere” (French), “Oupa” (African), “Yeh Yeh” (Cantonese), “Nonno” (Italian), and in plain English a “Gramps.” But, I quickly realized that this designation was not the end of my life. Nor was it the first sign of impending senility. In reality, having these little guys around makes me feel like a kid again.
So, grandparents everywhere, prepare for your big day. Brush up on your storytelling prowess; accumulate enough money to buy ice cream and toys; expect to play silly games (with lots of hugging, kissing, tickling, make believing, and giggling thrown in); train to make your body child-proof; and prepare yourself for holding those small hands real tight. These are your grandparenting responsibilities.
I came across a story written by a third-grader entitled “What Grandparents are Made Of.” This youngster defines the requisites of grandparenting quite objectively:
1. A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own. She likes other people’s girls and boys and they like her. 2. A grandfather is a man grandmother. 3. Grandmas don’t have anything to do except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run.
4. It is enoughif they drive us to the store where they sit us on a pretend horse and have lots of quarters ready. 5. If they take us for walks, they should slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars, 6. They never say “Hurry Up.” Usually they are too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear.
7. They can take their teeth and gums off sometimes. 9. It is better if they don’t play cards, except with us. 10. They don’t have to be smart, only answer questions like how come we can’t see God and where does the wind come from?
11. They don’t talk baby talk like other visitors do because it is too hard to understand. 12. When they read to us, they don’t skip or mind if it is the same story again. And 13. Everyone should try to have them, especially if they have television because grandparents are the only grownups who have time to play. A ringing endorsement.
However, there is also a somber side to the joys of grandparenting. It was Grandfather’s birthday. He was 82. He got up early, shaved, combed his hair, and put on his best clothes so he would look nice when his “kids” came. He skipped his daily walk to the café where he had coffee with his cronies. He wanted to be home when they came.
He put his porch chair on the sidewalk so he could get a better view of the street when they drove up to help celebrate his birthday. At noon, he got tired but decided to forgo his nap so he could be there when they came. Most of the rest of the afternoon, he spent near the telephone so he could answer it when they called.
He had five married children, 13 grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. One son and a daughter lived within 10 miles of his home. They hadn’t visited him for a long time. But today was his birthday and they were sure to come. At suppertime, he left the cake untouched so they could cut it and have dessert with him.
After supper, he sat on the porch waiting. At 8:30 p.m. , he went to his room to prepare for bed. Before retiring, he left a note on the door which read, “be sure to wake me up when you come.”
In any event, let me wish all you fellow grandparents a joyous, happy, comforting, and proud Grandparents Day. And remember – be good to your grandchildren. They may be the ones to choose your nursing home.
Reach columnist Alex Berger by e-mail at timesIedger@aol.com or call 229-0300, Ext. 139
