By Alex Berger
’Tis summer and the season to relax, laugh and take it easy. Last July, I refrained from writing a column about anything that took an effort to read because it was hot. Instead, I offered a collection of light, mirthful and frothy jokes. I will repeat that respite with another column of jokes, more jokes and nothing but jokes. So, laugh loudly, live easy and be merry.
Four women met in each other’s houses to play bridge. “Let’s reveal our innermost secrets,” one woman suggested, and began by saying, “I’m a kleptomaniac, but I never took anything from any of your homes.” “I’m a nymphomaniac, but I never made a play for any of your husbands,” the second woman confessed. The third volunteered, “I’m a dipsomaniac, but I never stole any of your liquor.” The fourth whispered, “I’m a gossip, and I can’t wait to get to the beauty parlor.”
A wife sat beside her hospitalized husband. As she held his hand, he said, “Dear, you’ve been with me throughout difficult times. You were at my side when I entered the military and you became a nurse. When I was wounded, it was you who nursed me back to health. When my business failed, you were there to give me support. When we lost our house, you were at my side. Hon, to tell you the truth, I’ve been thinking: You’re bad luck!”
A young man yearned to learn the meaning of life. He read about the Grand Swami of Tibet and was determined to get the answer from him. So he sold all his property and off he went. The young man traveled through the harshest lands, eating only grasshoppers and spiders, and arrived at the foot of the high mountain where the swami lived. The young man climbed the slopes and reached the summit. He approached the swami and said, “Oh, wise one, what is the meaning of life?” The oracle answered, “Life is three strands of hair.” “And?” “No ‘and,’ my son. That is it.” The perplexed young man said, “Master, I sold my worldly possessions. I traveled through inhospitable terrain, I suffered and all you can say is, ‘Life is three strands of hair’?” The swami responded, “All right. Life is not three strands of hair!”
A felon was on trial for his life. His lawyer told him not to worry. “I’ll prove to the jury you were in China when the crime was committed. I’ll get a doctor who will prove you were temporarily insane, I’ll pay off a witness, I have a school buddy on the jury and my wife’s uncle is the judge. Meanwhile, try to escape.”
A recent president believed every incoming president should prepare three envelopes containing a message. During his first year, when the going gets rough, he should open the first envelope and read, “Blame the guy before you.” If things are still craggy at the end of his second year, he should open the second envelope and read, “Blame Congress.” At the end of the third year, when he is battered and beaten, he should open the final envelope and read, “Prepare three envelopes.”
In a small village church, a poor widow put one dollar in the collection plate — twice her usual offering. The pastor asked why. She answered, “I’m thankful that my grandchildren are visiting.” Two weeks later, she placed a five-dollar bill in the plate and explained, “They just left.”
An elderly couple appeared before the judge in divorce court. The judge asked the woman, “How old are you?” “Eighty-nine,” replied the woman. “And you, sir?” “Ninety-one.” The judge then asked, “How long have you been married?” “Seventy years,” answered the woman.” “And now you want a divorce?” The wife explained, “Look, Judge, enough is enough.”
The psychiatrist reassured his patient he did not have a screw in his navel. “Indeed I do,” the patient answered. “No, you don’t.” “Yes, I do.” “All right, have a screwdriver handy when you go to sleep tonight, and when you’re about to fall asleep, simply unscrew that screw.” The patient returned the next day. “Well, I unscrewed that screw as you instructed.” “And then what happened?” “My rear end fell off!”
Cheers.
Contact Alex Berger at timesledgernews@cnglocal.com.
