By Alex Berger
A thought for the New Year: “I’d rather be a ‘could-be’ if I cannot be an ‘are,’ because a ‘could-be’ is a ‘maybe’ who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a ‘has-been’ than a ‘might-have been,’ by far; For a ‘might-have-been’ has never been, but a ‘has’ was once an ‘are!’ ” – Milton Berle
January is the start of many new things including the month, the year and the calendar. For me, the calendar is the most important item in my house, aside from Gloria. I already threw out the old one and hung my new 2003 color-illustrated Spider-Man calendar on the wall.
It is replete with penciled-in, month-by-month reminders. These hieroglyphics (no doctor has worse handwriting than me) can only be deciphered by me, and they control my destiny for the coming year.
These entries are varied and include critical phone numbers, birthdays, anniversaries, appointments and urgent deadlines I can’t trust to memory. They have transformed the calendar’s blank pages into the requirements of family, job, leisure and Gloria’s birthday. You may be interested in a few of these listings which program my life’s coming attractions for 2003.
January (and every month after): “Baby-sitting.” Alicia, my daughter-in-law from New Jersey, wants Gloria and me to baby-sit our two grandchildren twice monthly for the entire year, but I don’t like being a baby-sitter. Who wants to sit on babies?
Alicia’s oldest, “cerebral” Justin, 9, once looked at his newly born wrinkled sister, Keri, and remarked, “So that is why mom hid her under her coat for so long.”
Heather, my other daughter-in-law, from Maryland, tried to teach her eldest, “brilliant” Brendan, 8, about the birds and the bees, but he stopped her before she got started. He wanted to skip the preliminaries and go right to Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears.
February: “Valentine’s Day.” This is a nice holiday because it is the first day of the rest of my wife!
“How am I doing” meeting with my editor. She must like me because she keeps referring to me by my pet name, “X#&>?Z.”
“Dentist.” I suppose I watch “The Sopranos” too often. Just last week I visited him and said that my tooth hurt. “Which one?” he asked. “Find it yourself, fink. I ain’t no stool pigeon!”
March: “Bank.” I find it quite prudent to visit my bank to see if it continues to be accommodating. Yes, it is. The bank’s two open windows are marked “Sylvia Plotkin” and “Next Window.”
“Haircut.” I enjoy aggravating the barber. When he shows me my finished haircut in the mirror and asks, “Do you like it?” I always answer, “No, make it a little longer in the back!”
April: “Gloria’s annual visit to the beauty parlor.” Gloria doesn’t have to go. She still is as pretty as she used to be, only it just takes her a little longer now.
“Income tax.” I did some hard figuring. We can balance the federal budget if we simply close 27 states. Still I can’t figure out mine.
May: “Car checkup.” I bring in my jalopy regularly when every part makes noise except the horn.
June: “Charity.” Last year, Gloria went to a charity auction. She was told to bring something she didn’t have any use for. Gloria brought me.
July: “Fourth of July.” Every American has a chance to become president of the United States. That is one of the risks he or she has to take.
August: “Date for computer repair.” My computer always stops running in the summertime. By then, it accumulates so much Wite-Out on the screen, I can’t see.
“Vacations.” Vacations are easy. The boss tells me when and Gloria tells me where.
September: “Anniversary.” Two days I definitely note on the calendar are my anniversary, Sept. l, and Gloria’s birthday in November. Heaven help me if I forget either one.
This year, I will take Gloria to a romantic French restaurant for our 40th. No expense will be spared for the occasion. Last year’s visit to a restaurant was a bummer; when I whispered to the waiter to serve a $20 dinner, he answered, “On rye or white?”
October: “Time to be called for jury duty.” This is the only country in the world where they lock up the jury and let the prisoner go home every night.
“Columbus Day” also falls in this month. When Columbus came to America in 1492, everyone thought the world was flat. With the stockmarket cascading as it is, it soon may be.
And of course, “Halloween.” On Halloween, I like to scare people. I ring their bell and hand them my last column.
November: “Gloria’s 21-plus birthday.” Choosing a gift for Gloria is no problem. She hinted that she wanted a string of pearls, so I will surprise her. I will get her an oyster and a rabbit’s foot.
“Reminder to decorate the house.” I better help Gloria doing it. She wants to get rid of me because I clash with the drapes.
December: “Reminder to exercise.” Who knows from exercise? I get winded turning on my computer.
“Visit to doctor.” My doctor is modern. He doesn’t make house calls, but if I am sick for more than five days, he will send me a get-well card.
“End-of-year bill payments.” With today’s inflation, there is no longer any money in money. That calendar of mine certainly is my life’s companion.
Yes, I do love my calendar. But did you know that the calendar we use today is not the only one observed in the world? There also is the Hebrew calendar that follows the moon and the sun. The Hebraic New Year is 5763.
The Muslim calendar is based on the moon. The Muslim New Year is 1423. And the Chinese calendar, which also follows the moon, is divided into a neat, 12-year grouping.
The Chinese New Year is 470l. Each successive year is named for an animal. The first one is the Year of the Rat. This is followed by the Year of the Ox, Tiger, Hare, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Ram (in 2003), Monkey, Rooster, Dog and Pig. For political correctness, don’t you think they should at least include my favorite animal — the sardine?
Christian churches also use the moon to set some holy days. Easter, for example, can fall anytime from March 22 through April 28. The exact date depends on the moon. This year, Easter Sunday will fall on April 20.
So there you have it. Get set to mark your new calendar like I did, and be thankful that you do not have to do the same for a Hebrew, Muslim and Chinese calendar also.
Reach columnist, Alex Berger by e-mail at timesledger@aol.com, or call 718-229-0300, Ext. 140.
