A good friend and colleague, who is a professor at Hofstra Law School, has stated many times that if he were a child whose parents were divorcing, the last place he would want his family to live would be in New York State.
A recent editorial in The New York Times echoed the law professor’s opinion when they wrote that, “It can never be pleasant to end a marriage, but it doesn’t have to be as awful and take as long as it does in New York State.”
Most other states have some kind of “no fault” provision where a marriage can end because love is gone or there are irreconcilable differences. In New York State, most couples have to divorce for “cause” and have grounds for divorce. One spouse must accuse the other of adultery or abandonment or cruel and inhuman treatment - even when none of these things have actually occurred. In such an adversarial divorce, one party must list accusations against the other, citing real or made-up incidents. The other party must answer the complaint by defending himself and by making counter-accusations against the other party.
In actuality, this means that people have to go before a judge and lie. The courts become overcrowded, the divorce proceedings drag on, children suffer, and tremendous amounts of money are spent on legal representation. This situation has been of great concern to many judges and primarily to Judge Judith Kaye, New York State’s Chief Judge. Judge Kaye has gone on record saying, “Divorce in New York takes too long and costs too much - too much money, too much agony.”
After a 2-year examination of New York’s Matrimonial Law, a commission appointed by Judge Judith Kaye, made their recommendations. The Matrimonial Commission Report recommended overhauling divorce and child custody rules in New York State. The essence of the recommendation of the commission is a one-step, no fault divorce that would enable couples who wish to end their marriage to do so by mutual consent in a shorter, non-adversarial, less-expensive manner.
What I find ironical, is that there is presently a procedure that accomplishes the goals of the Matrimonial Commission, one which doesn’t involve courts, judges, adversarial lawyers, or excessive time and money. It allows for the fast, inexpensive, cooperative ending of a marriage, where the needs and best interests of the children are of primary importance and consideration. That procedure is Divorce Mediation, a process that my colleagues and I have been engaged in for as long as 25 years.
In a mediated divorce, the couple meets with the mediator for as many sessions as are needed to make decisions in areas that include child custody, parenting schedule, support, division of marital assets, medical insurance, life insurance, college, pensions, taxes etc. No retainer is taken and the clients pay only for the time that is spent with the mediator or in their behalf. The mediator helps the parties to make the necessary decisions in each area and breaks impasses by presenting workable options. A year after signing a Separation Agreement, the couple can be divorced in a truly “no fault” manner if they have lived apart for the previous year.
— Sydell S. Sloan, a family therapist, marriage counselor, and divorce mediator, has a private practice in Bayside and Manhattan.
